Resentfulness

I have long dealt with the problem of holding a grudge, but am starting to learn to let that go. Now it seems a new little 2 headed monster has crept it's way into my life - I am becoming increasingly resentful.

I love my husband with all my heart, so don't get me wrong when I say I have thoughts of smothering him with a pillow in the wee hours of the morning! He is a wonderful provider and the kids adore him, so why do I find my self resenting him? When Ethan first came home he was very helpful - he even started showering the kids which he had NEVER done before, and I was thrilled. However the novelty has worn off. I am not saying he isn't helpful - he is, I just feel overwhelmed.

We initially made this deal where I would get up for the late night feeding (2ish) and he would do the early morning (5ish). However Ethan is now waking up at around 3 and goes back to sleep until about 5:30 -6, at which time Yousef is leaving to go to the gym. So, I find myself doing the only overnight feeding and staring at him while feeding Ethan, wondering how long it would take him to wake up if I strategically place a pillow over his head.

I also resent him for other things that are clearly not his fault. He has lost over 40 lbs, and I am truly happy for that, but I find myself thinking that it isn't fair that he gets to go to the gym before work 4 days a week and I have to wait until 9 at night after the kids are asleep and I am too exhausted to work out. He gets to play Softball on Mondays and Soccer on Thursdays, and I get to stay home with the kids. I can't even go to the games anymore b/c I am outnumbered! He gets to talk to adults at work and better yet even have lunch with them! I get to sit and force a stubborn 2 year old that she had better eat her spaghetti o's because that is all she is getting!

Are any of these his fault - of course not! Then why do I feel like this?!

It is funny how the advise comes - have a date night, go out with friends, etc. I would love to do those things, but it just never seems to happen. I get out once a month for Chicks, Chat and Chocolate - maybe! - and I don't recall the last night (other than birthday's or anniversaries) that we went to do something on our own.

Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest - guess that why this is called Heather's Rants.